Indecision 01A

I need to be in another space, another surrounding. Why ? Because: -

• you don’t seem to have been happy with me
• you seem to be irritated with me most of the time, by the things i ask, by the things i do
• you feel suffocated
• i get upset when you’re not happy with me
• i get upset when you get irritated by me
• you keep telling me you want to be on your own
• the noise disturbs you when i return to the apartment
• i have/make too much noise, especially when i ‘chatter’
• i don’t seem to be able to help you at all in your work/business
• you keep telling me you need the peace, the quietness, to be alone
• i feel my presence disturbs your peace, the quietness you need to concentrate
• i feel i am a block to your progress, i slow you down
• there isn’t a proper space for me to work in the current environment
• it’s too much mess for me to clear up before i can do any serious thinking, focussed work
• i am suffocating from the untidiness, the dust, the dirt..

yes, i am probably running away from my housekeeping problem, which is really a manifestation of my internal housekeeping problem. I’ve too much baggage in me, too much clutter – it is all reflected in my home.. yes, I’m running away and trying to start anew, and i may end up again in another mess. yes working inside out is much stronger, more lasting. working outside in may not last. but i don’t seem to have succeeded in working myself inside out. so i want to give this a try, to engage the environment, my external surroundings, to help me organise myself internally.

perhaps once i start my own little projects moving, a little business going, then i won’t be irritating you so much, and you could be happy with me.

i’m sorry. i just want you to be happy, not be disturbed, irritated, and upset by me. it makes me unhappy when i don’t seem to be doing anything right.

Indecision 01

do I stay or do I go? do I shift out, or don’t I? Why do I want to move? Because I want to change the environment I am in. I want to start a new life. I want to start organising my life. I want to put my house in order. I want to set up a SOHO – small office home office. Why can’t I do it in my present unit? Because I’ve neglected it so much, it is so dusty, dirty, unkempt that I find it too much of a hassle, an effort to clean up the mess. what’s stopping me? my fear of you leaving me if i shift out. it is not a good timing at all for you. you’ve just stabilised your work pace and here i am making a move, a change. can we meet halfway? i move out first, then you when you’re ready. i fear you may think i do not care about your happiness, your work, you. but you know that i love and care for you deeply. the new place would be a quieter, more conducive place for you to work. but for now, until you have enough income, it will be a financial strain for you to have to pay the current rent if i were to shift; that’s additional stress not only for you, but me too, since you can’t help me out financially.

my greatest fear is that you leave me, you will never come to live with me anymore. but i guess if this were to happen, it would happen one day. i’m taking a risk in shifting, risk of losing you. but then the way things have been you have not been too happy with me. guess this will make you even more unhappy. but carrying on like this – i don’t see things becoming better, as i don’t seem to be able – yet – to change my style of working, to become self-employed, independent. now i’m still dependent on working for someone else, working for companies full time, dependent on a fixed 9-5 job, which I hate.

i want to start my SOHO, to be more organised in the NOSS jobs, start the instructional modules, the proof-reading project, editing whatever etc. i need a proper space to work too, like you do. you can focus despite the mess surrounding you. i’m afraid i can’t. i can’t focus inside my head, and the external mess makes me feel worse. you’re clear in your head, so the surroundings don’t matter. but i’m not inside my head, and even my heart, so the surroundings do not help. and it doesn’t help when you get upset by my ways, my lifestyle, …

Hello world!

Basically I have no one to talk to, to discuss personal issues with, to help me clear my thinking, my thoughts, to help me see things differently, to solve problems. Hence this journal, or blog. Just to get the confused thoughts out, to empty my mind.

Too many problems – love and relationship, work and career, money and finances; what is the purpose of life altogether? well that’s spiritual and religious too, which for many, is the basic thing that guides us in all that we do.