Indecision 01A

I need to be in another space, another surrounding. Why ? Because: -

• you don’t seem to have been happy with me
• you seem to be irritated with me most of the time, by the things i ask, by the things i do
• you feel suffocated
• i get upset when you’re not happy with me
• i get upset when you get irritated by me
• you keep telling me you want to be on your own
• the noise disturbs you when i return to the apartment
• i have/make too much noise, especially when i ‘chatter’
• i don’t seem to be able to help you at all in your work/business
• you keep telling me you need the peace, the quietness, to be alone
• i feel my presence disturbs your peace, the quietness you need to concentrate
• i feel i am a block to your progress, i slow you down
• there isn’t a proper space for me to work in the current environment
• it’s too much mess for me to clear up before i can do any serious thinking, focussed work
• i am suffocating from the untidiness, the dust, the dirt..

yes, i am probably running away from my housekeeping problem, which is really a manifestation of my internal housekeeping problem. I’ve too much baggage in me, too much clutter – it is all reflected in my home.. yes, I’m running away and trying to start anew, and i may end up again in another mess. yes working inside out is much stronger, more lasting. working outside in may not last. but i don’t seem to have succeeded in working myself inside out. so i want to give this a try, to engage the environment, my external surroundings, to help me organise myself internally.

perhaps once i start my own little projects moving, a little business going, then i won’t be irritating you so much, and you could be happy with me.

i’m sorry. i just want you to be happy, not be disturbed, irritated, and upset by me. it makes me unhappy when i don’t seem to be doing anything right.