Indecision 01
do I stay or do I go? do I shift out, or don’t I? Why do I want to move? Because I want to change the environment I am in. I want to start a new life. I want to start organising my life. I want to put my house in order. I want to set up a SOHO – small office home office. Why can’t I do it in my present unit? Because I’ve neglected it so much, it is so dusty, dirty, unkempt that I find it too much of a hassle, an effort to clean up the mess. what’s stopping me? my fear of you leaving me if i shift out. it is not a good timing at all for you. you’ve just stabilised your work pace and here i am making a move, a change. can we meet halfway? i move out first, then you when you’re ready. i fear you may think i do not care about your happiness, your work, you. but you know that i love and care for you deeply. the new place would be a quieter, more conducive place for you to work. but for now, until you have enough income, it will be a financial strain for you to have to pay the current rent if i were to shift; that’s additional stress not only for you, but me too, since you can’t help me out financially.
my greatest fear is that you leave me, you will never come to live with me anymore. but i guess if this were to happen, it would happen one day. i’m taking a risk in shifting, risk of losing you. but then the way things have been you have not been too happy with me. guess this will make you even more unhappy. but carrying on like this – i don’t see things becoming better, as i don’t seem to be able – yet – to change my style of working, to become self-employed, independent. now i’m still dependent on working for someone else, working for companies full time, dependent on a fixed 9-5 job, which I hate.
i want to start my SOHO, to be more organised in the NOSS jobs, start the instructional modules, the proof-reading project, editing whatever etc. i need a proper space to work too, like you do. you can focus despite the mess surrounding you. i’m afraid i can’t. i can’t focus inside my head, and the external mess makes me feel worse. you’re clear in your head, so the surroundings don’t matter. but i’m not inside my head, and even my heart, so the surroundings do not help. and it doesn’t help when you get upset by my ways, my lifestyle, …
